i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
