I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
