I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
