I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
