I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
