I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
