yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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