I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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