My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
