I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
