So drunk its hurt
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
