Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
