if you like me you must not know who I am
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
