it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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