How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
