how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize