Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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