bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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