I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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