neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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