Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize