I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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