How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
