Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
