i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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