I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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