I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
