I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
