Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
