I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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