have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
