So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
