I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
