He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
A+ Viking dick
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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