ya dads aren't the best wingmen
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
