You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
and she was petting her beer can
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
