I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
