Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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