the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
