Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
