I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
