Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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