I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How does it feel to date your dad?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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