afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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