I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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