Welp...herpes.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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