Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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