I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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