I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
