Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize