today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
