Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
