chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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