My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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