Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
