Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
