can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
