Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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